So, imagine this: it's Monday evening, all is well. I sit down for a nice dinner of chicken noodle soup and homemade bread. I eat said meal. I wash the dishes. I watch an episode of The Office. I decide to do some work on my thesis. It's about 7:30pm; I open my laptop and begin to open files when all of a sudden WHAM! An intense stabbing pain in the middle of the left side of my back. Unfortunately, I am all too familiar with the sensation and realize that I have a kidney stone trying to break itself out of my left kidney and launch into my ureter. Having a history with these little monsters, I knew I would need pain meds (the good kind) asap. So I made the trek to the ER, and while the check-in/waiting room process took a little too long for my liking, the medical staff was lovely and had me hooked up to a morphine drip in no time (though, while in pain felt like forever). Two liters of saline, a shot of anti-nausea solution, a muscle relaxant, a dose of Vicodin, and six hours' worth of HGTV's House Hunters later, I was finally sedated enough to go home. I've been prescribed/taking enough pain meds to put me to sleep for the next three years in order to help the stone pass, which as of now it still has not. If any of you have ever had the pleasure of passing a kidney stone, you understand the pain; for those of you who have not, and may be thinking the above is overkill or an exaggeration, let me just say that even the medical staff has told me that the pain caused by a kidney stone is worse than childbirth. I can't really confirm that, but I wouldn't not believe it either.
Though the pain in all seriousness does suck, the best way to get through it is with a little laughter. Please enjoy the below scene excerpt from Modern Family, in which dad Phil shares a similar experience:
Phil: I’m fine. No, I’m fine. I’m just — okay that’s cancer!
Claire: Maybe it’s just a kidney stone.
Phil: “just” Claire. Someone get your mom a glass of water and a piece of gravel from the driveway and see how she likes it.
Luke: Why is everybody yelling?
Alex: Something’s wrong with dad.
Phil: Don’t frighten him. Come here. Oh! that’s got to be death! Death is coming!
Haley: You need to go to the hospital.
Phil: No, no, no. I just need a pill. Get me the biggest one you can find.
Claire: Honey, breathe. Just breathe.
Phil: That’s what I told you when you were in labor, and you threw my smoothie at me. Pill!
Haley: I’m calling..
Phil: No, no! It’s fine. It’s fine. It’s passing. I’m sorry to alarm everyone. I think I was probably just overreacting. BECAUSE THERE'S AN ALIEN INSIDE OF ME!
By Kelsey Petersen